The title isn’t mean to be selfish, its just a way of letting me know where my head it at and what I want out of life. I think people go on about life way to willy-nilly and just go with the flow. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, if that’s what you want to do. However, I think a majority of people in their lives have a certain want or desire… but I think that’s all they have…a desire for something more but not something concrete, no real idea of yes I want happiness but no definition of what happiness is to them. I think if people identified exactly what they wanted in life they would be able achieve it. I think if people have a strong enough passion for something and really zone in on their desires and block out all that’s unnecessary then I think they can achieve their dreams. People talk a lot about having money, wanting money, and how money will solve all of their problems. They don’t really answer why they want that money, what they are going to do with it, or what plans they have to achieve it. I think being vague sucks, I think having a desire is great….but having a plan to obtain your desires will get you there. If anything, know exactly what your desire is. Money is a desire for some, but wanting money…won’t make you money, wanting to do something you are passionate about will make you money…because you are the only you that will believe in you, and if you strongly believe in you…slowly other people will too. My friends and boyfriend tell me I am very specific in what I want - and they are right. My end goal of designing my own house doesn’t just stop at ” I want to design my house”. It goes further than that, I have the exact factors I want for that location, what kind of house it will be, where the garage will be placed….and I know that before I can just design my own house the exact way I want it I will most likely have to work my butt off for it and will most likely have to start my own venture. I want to start my own venture and I know how I will do it and the approximate time I need in the field to gain the correct experience for it. I may be crazy to have really strong desires and really weird commitments to myself, but hey I think they will work and if I believe in them..slowly others will too. I think from last year to this year what has changed is that I finally got a taste for freedom and I now yearn for it. Being out on my own was probably the greatest thing that happened to me and taught me who I really was. It also allowed me to get a bunch of shit out of my system, like partying, or staying up until 7am just “hanging out”, having blackouts, going to raves etc. As much fun as that was, I am over it. I think everyone should have a a period of experiencing the weirdest shit just so they can get it out of their system and learn what they like and dislike. Most of my friends still like to party and rave all night, but I am kind of over it…..it was great while it lasted but I think I want to go back to my original ambitions. I rather not black out and enjoy the night, I rather save my money and put it towards a memorable experience. I want to continue traveling, and learn different cultures and taste the flavors of the world around me. I want to do more. I want to do more of the things that tell me who I am, partying told me one thing, but continuing to do that isn’t going to bring up any new acknowledgements. I know what I want, all that’s holding me back now is time. Forget money - that’ll come but …it’s not what matters.
Anonymous asked: have you heard of tezzeract?
No i hadn’t, but thank you for that!
I am so tired of my insecurities. everything is a what if this what if that and being scared of the unknow future and being mad at the past….always looking for things and ways to dissapoint myself and tell myself that this is not destined to work. I think I look for the gloom or for reasons to tell myself that you shouldnt get your hopes up, you shouldnt let go of reality and you shouldnt put your eggs in one basket. I dont want to be the girl who devotes all her time into one thing only to be let down…those girls get washed up and shoved down through the hell hole of society….or they grow and bloom into happy and fullfilled girls…although I havnt seen too many of those. So where do I go? What do I do? Where do I stand? Do I give all my time and hope in and just pray that it doesn’t crush me at the end? I am tired of not knowing or not having something to hang onto that sures me that I have a secure future. The future scares me and I dont like being scared…I dont like being insecure and I dont like the vivid nightmares I have that lurk with me until the morning sun. Putting yourself on the line is hard, and I command those that do, and salut the fallen that have the courage to continue on upwards. It’s hard I know, and I’ve been let down…coming up is the hardest part even with those that only mean well.
Animals. They have a way of communicating to one another but have little to no way of communicating to us. In some way I think thats why we like them, because we don’t hear thier every thought or every nagging comment or have to listen to thier aweful singing (if they sing). As long as we don’t have to put up with someones bitching or whining we are generally happy. The problem I see is that when the animals have no one to talk to because all the other animals they can connect with are gone or not in site. They become dependant on the human whom they have a large disconnect with. In many ways they will try to show how they feel, what they like or dislike but a lot of that is generally missed or just brushed off.
A majority of my life I’ve felt like that crab trying to communicate or try to get people to understand what I am about or what I like or dislike. But no one understands because there are not a lot of other crabs around and the humans are just dumb founded by whats happening and just move along.
So you live with what you have and you live with yourself. And that too eventually become too much and you turn into this crazy crab that goes around clamping it hands at everyone and everyone just thinks oh what a bother and toss it away and its dissmissed or eaten…
Sometimes it’s better to not have anything than to live in the fear of losing everything.
This has been playing inside my head for a while, it’s not a song, it’s a thought. A thought of mine. It is running through my head because when you feel like you are in the place you want to be, doing the things you want to do, and around the people you want to be you slowly question when the end is coming. And you anticipate it, but it doesn’t come. So you live in this fear. A fear of the end, a fear of losing it all.
The best fighters or strongest people should I say are the ones that have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I thought that was true, but now I am not so sure…because there has to be people who are loved and are still strong. Or is this the other side of the rolling credits after the hero has suffered and finally found peace. Could I be on the other side of the credits? And if so the end is just the beginning.
The thought of this is comforting; it’s time to not think of the end but think of a new beginning, a one unknown. I shouldn’t be thinking about losing but rather learning from what is and learning to maintain it all without it ever getting old.
The credits may role, but it doesn’t mean the story will end.
I just want to sing out loud, at the top of my lungs ” I, I Follow, I will Follow You, Deep Sea Baby, I’ll Follow You” (I Follow Rivers - Lykke Li). Kind of in a cheery late night mood, and I can’t get this song off of repeat for the life of me.
A lot is changing and a lot of it is coming to terms with itself and I can’t help but be appreciative of it all. I think I’ve learned that no matter what I will be okay. No one needs to worry about me or how I am or where I will end up because I will be okay. There’s some people that lie to themselves about who they are but I am very very sure of who I am at this point in my life. I know I can get a bit crazy, and a bit direct but I am okay with it because if it has gotten me this far I think I’ve done alright for myself.
People in the past have always said I know you will do something great, if there is anyone who’s going to change something it will be you. I never believed it but at this stage in my life I think hey why not me? why someone else. I do think I will change something, not sure what yet but if I keep my head level I will know soon enough.
The other side says after every high comes a low, and a part of me is anticipating the low, I don’t have words to describe it but I think if I manage the high properly the low will not hit as hard. It’s all damage control. get what I am saying? No? neither do I. But I will get it soon enough. Its a process of self learning.
I remember as a kid I always wanted to be like this or be like that personality of another person. A couple years passed and I started thinking no, I just want to be me, and be the best me that I can be. Cliche. I know. But what most overlook is that sure they want that aspect of another person to be apart of them but there maybe consequences or something hidden that they are paying for that we don’t see on the surface. So be you, because when you are true to yourself, anything and everything can be pushed aside and nothing will stop you from just achieving everything you want to achieve.
This post has no meaning, its just words in my head floating around. take of it what you may. I have nothing to prove, no statement to make, I am just content with how I am, and so you should be too.
Deep Sea Baby, I’ll Follow You.
I wish I could be as careless as my brothers mopy bedhead. We both watched a movie together and one of us gets up to leave with no other thought then sleeping and one with no one thought… but all of them. What remains in my head is a civil war where right fights with left and left with right. Very similar to the brain and the heart. I took a test to see which side would win and the right took over by 1%. Just 1%. It even shows on paper that my mind works in a way that is so equal and as great as that is …it leave me in a state of nowhere. Unable to choose sides and constantly weighing the pros and cons of the situation. Not one side leads and if they do decide to lead its always in opposite directions. The other day I tried to tell a simple story of the past but couldn’t stop thinking about the future, it drove me insane and drove me to tears. How I evaluate my future will be judged by my past experiences and to let walls down there will be uncertainties behind them. Its who deals with them that matters and how they deal with them that will determine where they stand. I’m lucky and have been blessed with someone who can mange the sifting and understands that there will be uncertainties behind these walls. He knows me and can help to fix this waging war, but at what price and how much before I infect and inflict. Its one thing to battle your wars and another to involve someone in them. I’ve tried to keep everyone at a safe distance where they don’t have to muddy themselves in the dirt… but this time I’m letting that 1% lead. Soon enough I too will walk around with bedhead and I can’t wait for the day I do.
I think the smartest thing I’ve ever written is “Money can’t buy you happiness…but time can”.
— Flight Facilities
why cant you just give in?