RadishPatchKid

What I want

The title isn’t mean to be selfish, its just a way of letting me know where my head it at and what I want out of life. I think people go on about life way to willy-nilly and just go with the flow. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, if that’s what you want to do. However, I think a majority of people in their lives have a certain want or desire… but I think that’s all they have…a desire for something more but not something concrete, no real idea of yes I want happiness but no definition of what happiness is to them. I think if people identified exactly what they wanted in life they would be able achieve it. I think if people have a strong enough passion for something and really zone in on their desires and block out all that’s unnecessary then I think they can achieve their dreams. People talk a lot about having money, wanting money, and how money will solve all of their problems. They don’t really answer why they want that money, what they are going to do with it, or what plans they have to achieve it. I think being vague sucks, I think having a desire is great….but having a plan to obtain your desires will get you there. If anything, know exactly what your desire is. Money is a desire for some, but wanting money…won’t make you money, wanting to do something you are passionate about will make you money…because you are the only you that will believe in you, and if you strongly believe in you…slowly other people will too. My friends and boyfriend tell me I am very specific in what I want - and they are right. My end goal of designing my own house doesn’t just stop at ” I want to design my house”. It goes further than that, I have the exact factors I want for that location, what kind of house it will be, where the garage will be placed….and I know that before I can just design my own house the exact way I want it I will most likely have to work my butt off for it and will most likely have to start my own venture. I want to start my own venture and I know how I will do it and the approximate time I need in the field to gain the correct experience for it. I may be crazy to have really strong desires and really weird commitments to myself, but hey I think they will work and if I believe in them..slowly others will too. I think from last year to this year what has changed is that I finally got a taste for freedom and I now yearn for it. Being out on my own was probably the greatest thing that happened to me and taught me who I really was. It also allowed me to get a bunch of shit out of my system, like partying, or staying up until 7am just “hanging out”, having blackouts, going to raves etc. As much fun as that was, I am over it. I think everyone should have a a period of experiencing the weirdest shit just so they can get it out of their system and learn what they like and dislike. Most of my friends still like to party and rave all night, but I am kind of over it…..it was great while it lasted but I think I want to go back to my original ambitions. I rather not black out and enjoy the night, I rather save my money and put it towards a memorable experience. I want to continue traveling, and learn different cultures and taste the flavors of the world around me. I want to do more. I want to do more of the things that tell me who I am, partying told me one thing, but continuing to do that isn’t going to bring up any new acknowledgements. I know what I want, all that’s holding me back now is time. Forget money - that’ll come but …it’s not what matters.

Connect-Disconnect

Animals. They have a way of communicating to one another but have little to no way of communicating to us. In some way I think thats why we like them, because we don’t hear thier every thought or every nagging comment or have to listen to thier aweful singing (if they sing). As long as we don’t have to put up with someones bitching or whining we are generally happy. The problem I see is that when the animals have no one to talk to because all the other animals they can connect with are gone or not in site. They become dependant on the human whom they have a large disconnect with. In many ways they will try to show how they feel, what they like or dislike but a lot of that is generally missed or just brushed off.

A majority of my life I’ve felt like that crab trying to communicate or try to get people to understand what I am about or what I like or dislike. But no one understands because there are not a lot of other crabs around and the humans are just dumb founded by whats happening and just move along.

So you live with what you have and you live with yourself. And that too eventually become too much and you turn into this crazy crab that goes around clamping it hands at everyone and everyone just thinks oh what a bother and toss it away and its dissmissed or eaten…

The End is Just the Beginning

Sometimes it’s better to not have anything than to live in the fear of losing everything. 

This has been playing inside my head for a while, it’s not a song, it’s a thought. A thought of mine. It is running through my head because when you feel like you are in the place you want to be, doing the things you want to do, and around the people you want to be you slowly question when the end is coming. And you anticipate it, but it doesn’t come. So you live in this fear. A fear of the end, a fear of losing it all. 

The best fighters or strongest people should I say are the ones that have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I thought that was true, but now I am not so sure…because there has to be people who are loved and are still strong. Or is this the other side of the rolling credits after the hero has suffered and finally found peace. Could I be on the other side of the credits? And if so the end is just the beginning. 

The thought of this is comforting; it’s time to not think of the end but think of a new beginning, a one unknown. I shouldn’t be thinking about losing but rather learning from what is and learning to maintain it all without it ever getting old. 

The credits may role, but it doesn’t mean the story will end. 

I Follow Rivers

I just want to sing out loud, at the top of my lungs ” I, I Follow, I will Follow You, Deep Sea Baby, I’ll Follow You” (I Follow Rivers - Lykke Li). Kind of in a cheery late night mood, and I can’t get this song off of repeat for the life of me. 

A lot is changing and a lot of it is coming to terms with itself and I can’t help but be appreciative of it all. I think I’ve learned that no matter what I will be okay. No one needs to worry about me or how I am or where I will end up because I will be okay. There’s some people that lie to themselves about who they are but I am very very sure of who I am at this point in my life. I know I can get a bit crazy, and a bit direct but I am okay with it because if it has gotten me this far I think I’ve done alright for myself. 

People in the past have always said I know you will do something great, if there is anyone who’s going to change something it will be you. I never believed it but at this stage in my life I think hey why not me? why someone else. I do think I will change something, not sure what yet but if I keep my head level I will know soon enough. 

The other side says after every high comes a low, and a part of me is anticipating the low, I don’t have words to describe it but I think if I manage the high properly the low will not hit as hard. It’s all damage control. get what I am saying? No? neither do I. But I will get it soon enough. Its a process of self learning. 

I remember as a kid I always wanted to be like this or be like that personality of another person. A couple years passed and I started thinking no, I just want to be me, and be the best me that I can be. Cliche. I know. But what most overlook is that sure they want that aspect of another person to be apart of them but there maybe consequences or something hidden that they are paying for that we don’t see on the surface. So be you, because when you are true to yourself, anything and everything can be pushed aside and nothing will stop you from just achieving everything you want to achieve. 

This post has no meaning, its just words in my head floating around. take of it what you may. I have nothing to prove, no statement to make, I am just content with how I am, and so you should be too. 

Deep Sea Baby, I’ll Follow You. 

Return on Investment

I think the smartest thing I’ve ever written is “Money can’t buy you happiness…but time can”. 

Trials of the Past

I’ve fucked up a lot, but I honestly have had the greatest time doing it. would i do it again? probably not or depends on the situation for some of it. but for those who judge, judge away because i know you aren’t having half the fun i am having, cause clearly you are focused more on my life than your own. im turning 21 soon and it already looks like things are going to change a lot…only time will tell if they are for better or for worst. all i know is that i like who ive become granted its taken a toll on my grades but i think at the end of i wont be remembering the time i got a 90 in class, but rather laughing to myself about the times i made those silly “mistakes” and the crazy memories that come with it. i dont want to be old without having some decent material to look back on. money cant buy you happiness but time can. 

you were sensible till the very bitter end

Morgan Page ft Jan Burton - I’ve Had Friends 

Pursuit of Happiness

Hey Hi Hello, 

Seems like a bunch of my last posts seemed a little too serious, so lets lighten things up here…no one needs to take things too seriously all the time. lifes a joke, its a game, and its quite an amusing one i like to play. sure we have problems but lets face it we are so small that in the grand scheme of things we are insignificant, and our problems …well they are a laugh in the face if anything more than minuscule. if your problems relate to weight, relationships, grades or consumer products then you really i mean really have nothing to worry about. please consider yourself lucky that these “problems” are the only ones that concern you because lets face it there is far far far much more out there that you don’t have to concern yourself about. so put that frown away, yea that’s right the one you carry to make yourself look like you have a problem just to spice things up in your life and lets face it to get a little more attention… put the frown away and lets focus on whats really important. happiness. i don’t believe for a second that people don’t have the ability to change their status. i don’t believe that everything just happens and you cant do anything about it. you can. but only if you choose to. stop focusing on the bad things that happened and look at what great things have also happened. i think in the future if i am to ever settle down it has to be with someone who can have a blast just being by themselves. someone who can laugh at themselves and make fun and just laugh randomly all by themselves because they are constantly thinking of the good and not the bad. bad things happen don’t get me wrong, but there’s no need to dwell on them …I am a victim of it I admit, but I am also a person that can entertain myself to hours on end alone. and I like that about myself. I remember the time my friend and I took a train for four hours just to go to a house party, or the time i was so high i thought i was going to get shot by some man at the convenience store, the time i was on airplanes more than i was in cars, the time i flirted with everyone at Heathrow, the time my friend and i picked up two brothers, two bestfriends, two rugby players, two germans, and two frenchies, the night we never made it home and ended up in a different city, the time i got a drink thrown in my face, the time a bar tender squirted me with a beer hose for being inappropriate, the night my friend kissed a police horse on the lips, the time we called the cops on ourselves, the time i got to celebrate new years twice in one night, what about the time i told my brother he was adopted and we found him in a garbage can, the time i had a whole department have a conversation about my ass, and the time i picked up a lawyer at the bar and got him to buy me drinks but instead gave them to my friends ahah (yea i am bit of a bitch but its all in good fun) such good times that just play in my head and make me giggle by myself. yea i have my problems but i am not going to drown myself in them and i refuse to associate myself with people who are constantly drowning themselves in their problems. life is  short, we are young, we can make mistakes, we have the time to learn from them and in turn they will shape us to let us know who we really are and what are likes and dislikes are. live, laugh love enjoy. you arn’t fighting the militia and your moms not working at the strip club (sorry to those who are and whos moms are…no really sorry…please disregard this message) so get on with it you sad sap of a son..daughter…hermaphrodite…alien…thing. I dont know where this is going …again, or if it makes sense..but just shut up and smile, theres someone far worse off than you that would KILL to be in your shoes or just have the “problems” you have. so do that person the decency and live life for the both of you cause lifes too short to live with an upside down smile. 

good night folks.  

men

the problem with men these days is that all that they do is pretend to be the victim. everything that is happening or has happened with their lives is all boiled down to them being hurt or getting hurt by someone else. sure you can say that about women but no i am talking about men right now because they don’t seem to clue in. they will sit there and complain about how they wish oh they wish they had this and its like comon lets get up and go get it. the biggest one that bugs me most times is the topic of relationships. men who say they want them but they really have no idea if they actually do. its like the concept is so loving in their mind but in reality they don’t want that at all nor are they ready for it. but they will constantly complain about this and victimize themselves. most of them don’t even recognize that what they actually want is right in front of them. they refuse to open their minds to the reality that what they do want is what they already have. the girl that they are meant to be with could be sitting right beside them but they will drive her away by telling her how they want to be in a relationship and how they cant find anyone at all. makes the girl look like a complete idiot and she will most likely leave you alone because you are too busy trying to chase the tail that you think you want. its true most people want what they cant have but trust me when i say that once you have what you thought you want, you will want to go back to the original plan. its like dating the hottest cheerleader in high school, she looks amazing to everyone and you want her so bad but it isn’t until you get to know her you realize this is not at all what i expected it to be. dear men, please consider this if anything. go for who you can hold a real conversation with and who  can sit their through you victimization. if that girl is still there after your rants…shes probably the one. stop chasing a wildfire, because even that will die down eventually. 

I adjusted the lyrics

“Our love was lost…

…And hope was gone found”. 

- Temper Trap “Love Lost”